Laziness

Yes, there is such a thing as being a professional procrastinating lazy human. I would put myself in this category.

With such devices as remote controls and cell phones there is no need to move anywhere while lounging in bed. Mind you, it would make more sense if I were sick. I position myself perfectly between two pillows on my bed, while all my muscles relax and I am whisked away to the great land of houses that keep themselves clean.

It's true that I am a mother and my children are well taken care of, but there are days I wish I could stay in my pjs not because I haven't had the time or energy to actually get to my room to change but because I have no reason to leave the house. I can imagine myself sleeping soundly and awaiting the scores of people who want to do things for me. They can clean my bathroom, do my dishes and make me sandwiches. It wouldn't really matter all that much if they cleaned my house because I would stay in bed. Although the sandwiches would be important.

It is true that I make sure my kitchen is as clean as I can make it with the limited energy I have after a day of driving somewhere, chasing a two year old, breastfeeding a five month old, chasing a two year old WHILE breast feeding a five month old and trying desperately to keep myself from smoking. Ahh, smoking. Seriously, has anyone made a better habit?

It's awful for you, it smells, it kills and it makes men much more appealing to my lazy ass. I like the man with a smoke hanging out of his mouth because it makes him look like such a bad boy. I don't care if you are five hundred pounds, you look sexier with a smoke in your mouth. Yes, it's gross, but I can't lie anymore! Of course the other positive is smoking helps you lose weight without you actually doing anything! Any kind of appetite suppressant is ok by me.

It's nice too, as a lazy person, to have a dog. They help clean up the house with their never ending hunger for discarded food. Dogs are pretty awesome in the lazy person's world but I'm pretty sure the lazy person's best pet would be the tapeworm. All you have to do is eat and eat and eat! You can enjoy the great tastes of the world's foods without too much weight gain. The one down side to this is, sadly, when your beloved tapeworm has drained you of all your nutrition and thus leaving you dead, your tapeworm buddy starves.

If you're lazy for too long you die, this is the down side to being lazy. I guess it's not so bad to get out of the house every once in a while and do something, but that damn bed is one hell of a suductress.

My Husband

I know he doesn't read this blog and I'm pretty sure he'll never see this post, so I'm not so worried. After reviewing my blog posts over the past few weeks I may have painted my husband in a light which he does not stand.

If I could give him a bright white spot light to stand under he would be smiling and making faces trying to get laughs. He always gets me but there are those who don't think he's as funny as I do, and that's just fine cause he's mine. No blond chick will be able to withstand the simple and uncynical beauty of our humor long enough to get his attention. Not to get too gooy, but I love this dude! There is no one on earth like him. He is a one and only, unique piece of human being who just so happens to have his bad moments too.

That, I believe is what makes him so lovable. He can show his flaws and still be as real a human being as he was in his best form. Never fake, always kind and understanding. I don't know a man who could do the things he does on a regular basis without going crazy. Working later shifts and rushing to the train so he isn't stuck downtown until midnight. He's a good man.

He's also an accomplished artist. It's almost as if it's his biggest secret. The stacks of journals he keeps are his prize possessions. He has always let me flip through them and read short passages he jotted as he drew with no shame. Honesty seems to seep from my husband and it's hard not to be honest with him because of it. He won't lie, he'll tell you if he can't keep a secret and he'll always call when he's running late.

Why have I written today about my husband? Because he deserves an honorable mention. Because he is hardworking and loving even when I am grumpy. Because he will do the yard work as well as the dishes if it needs being done. He'll rock the baby for an hour so I can get some sleep and he'll stand up for me breast feeding in public when others scowl. He will cut my hair when I don't want to spend the money and he'll take my bossy directions with the scissors when he does.

He deserves an honorable mention because he was the one who told me I should focus on myself more. I'm a pretty lucky lady.

Root Canal

Have you ever had a root canal? I have had two in the past three months! It's really exciting and wonderful to have such interesting dental work done in such a short amount of time. At least I have made a few dental friends. I'm pretty sure I look like a piggy bank to my dentist now. I noticed how his eyes turn into those cartoon money signs when he sees me.

The first tooth they did about two months ago and I was glad when it was done. Guilt followed me to every visit. The money I was spending on my teeth would probably have covered my college tuition. I was ready for my husband to yell, scream, throw things, wring his hands or just get miffed. Instead I got something worse. I got the "If this is what it takes to make you take care of your teeth from now on, it's worth every penny." CRAP! Why couldn't he have just stopped talking to me for a few months?

The procedure is actually pretty interesting. You go in and sit in a small waiting room long enough to get interested in the gossip magazine you nonchalantly grabbed before sitting down. You are whisked into the room where you will be spending a good hour and a half. There you sit and promise yourself you will sneak a peak at the juicy story in US weekly when you are leaving.

In comes one of the most beautiful smiles in the world. She is tall thin and so likeable! This amazing dentist doesn't even make you feel guilty about the way you've been taking care of your teeth which has resulted in you having to get root canals. That is a super power in of itself!

The dentist pops on her surgical mask and sticks you with the equivalent of needles you see the first year of your child's life. Still, you find this woman to be a kindred spirit, someone who really "gets" you. Your face swells and you know all the assistants are giggling at you while liquid dribbles from your mouth.

Your mouth is then draped with a plastic green tent, there to make sure you can't breath if you have a stuffy nose, seriously. The drilling is about to begin and you can't get over how such a nice person could have one of the most hated jobs in the world! Then, suddenly, you get a glimpse of the size of the drill she is using. You Think: Good god, thank you for poking me with so many needles earlier.

In the course of an hour and a half you smell a few different aromas: burning, chlorine and something that is reminiscent of poo. After drowning in your saliva for the entirety, the green tent is removed and the likeable superhero dentist turns to her assistant and says "Suction." She has just saved your life, where is her cape? A few xrays and then you are whisked back to the waiting room where you pay your fee happily (come on, your kindred spirit just fixed your tooth!).

You catch a glimpse in the mirror. Horror! Half of your face does not work. Smiling makes you look like you're crazy or on something. Leaving as quickly as you can, you break that promise to read the juice in that stupid magazine. Getting home to your husband and children you suddenly realize that you are in more pain then you've ever been before.

The dentist doesn't seem so much like a Superhero anymore. It's more like a super villain and she's just put kryptonite in your tooth.... ouch.